Jambo jambo, jambo bwana

Just back from Zanzibar. We spent three days in the historic capital, Stone Town - which reminded me of a quieter, calmer Marrakech - and three days relaxing on the east coast at Jambiani, where my main achievement was not wearing shoes for two consecutive days. Some photos below, and for those of you that enjoy caustic and overly exacting hotel and restaurant reviews, there's some of those too.

Absolutely no filter necessary - Jambiani

Ballad of the hermit crab - Part I

Ballad of the hermit crab, Part II

Ballad of the hermit crab - Part III

Sailing in the Mena Bay

Jambiani

Obligatory sunburn, x

In Stone Town we stayed at...

Kisiwa House, ★★★★★
Stone Town's not short of classy hotels. Great towering piles, furnished with persian rugs and guarded by brass-studded doors, testament to the island's deep Arab influences. Kisiwa House, built in 1840 by a wealthy Omani merchant, is no exception. The staff were friendly, the breakfasts were generous, the rooms were spotless. A swimming pool would have been nice, but it was half the price of every other fancy hotel in town, so you can't really complain.

We ate at...

Emerson Spice, ★★★★★
Something of a Zanzibari right of passage. Sit on the rooftop of one of the old town's tallest buildings and eat things you've never heard of, deep fried in a medley of unpronounceable fruit, and served on a bed of something you thought was a make of Japanese car. Not cheap, but you can't miss it. Booking ahead essential.

House of Spices, ★★★★
Good pizzas. Pizzas cooked in a wood-fired oven. A wood-fired oven that belches out smoke that chokes all those who eat here and renders their clothes unsuitable for long-haul flying. Loses a star for this shortsightedness.

La Taverna, ★★★
They overcooked the pasta, which is unforgivable for an Italian restaurant. But the wine was fine and the crema catalana sublime. Perhaps on another night it could have been great.

We toured with...

Safari Blue Tour, ★★★
Safari Blue offer a day long excursion on a traditional dhow around the Mena Bay - to the South of the island - stopping off at various points to snorkel, eat, and sunbathe. In truth, it would be difficult for any company to really balls this up: there are dolphins; fish that look like those ones from Finding Nemo; and sandbanks which emerge from the ocean as if on demand. The only downside is that you have to share these treasures with six boatloads of fellow Safari Bluers. Imagine landing on a deserted sandbank, only to turn round and find sixty gawping tourists bearing down on you like a viking raiding party, only with selfie sticks in place of axes. And that seafood barbecue you thought would be a cutesy affair for two over an open fire is actually an industrial conveyer belt of grilled lobster, capable of feeding the five thousand. Slick marketing. Disinterested staff. Probably a victim of its own success.

Also worth a mention...

Passable Gelato at Tamu; great coffee at the Zanzibar Coffee House; and drinks on the beach and live music at the Livingstone Beach Bar.

In Jambiani we stayed at...

Mango Beach House, ★★★
Run by an eccentric German woman called Lisa, who has collected too many sea shells and even more cats. You can't argue with the setting - deserted white sand beaches; palm trees swaying gently in the breeze; a turquoise ocean stretching to the horizon, dotted with the wooden sailboats of local fishermen. They screwed up our booking and were in the middle of some renovations while we were there which meant the restaurant was closed; the mattresses were too squishy; our bed sheet had a hole in it; and the shower was missing its holder. But we had an acre of sandy beachfront garden to ourselves and plenty of hammock-like contraptions to while away the days in.

We ate at...

Sea Horse Restaurant, ★★★★★
Probably the best food we had in Zanzibar. Which is all the more impressive when you consider that it was cooked over a charcoal stove, by a single woman, on the floor of what, in any other context, would be described as a shed. We ate there three times. Order the calamari for a happy belly experience.

Mamamapambo, ★★★
Mamamapambo is where I imagine boring people go to spend their honeymoon. Everything worked like clockwork. So much so that I started to wonder whether the waiters had had their brains removed and replaced with a bespoke honeymoon app. The service was too fast. I repeat, too fast. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the food. Nothing at all. The only tangible thing I can really think to criticise the place for was the terrible lounge music which reminded me of all the people I've ever spoken to who have absolutely nothing interesting to say and just want to tell me about that time they stayed at Mamamapambo with their insipid partners and had the best time of their lives.